


Miserably in love

by johannastjernfelt



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, M/M, Marauders' Era, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-09
Updated: 2018-11-09
Packaged: 2019-08-21 05:10:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,200
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16570274
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/johannastjernfelt/pseuds/johannastjernfelt
Summary: Remus has broken up with Sirius, but he can't tell him the reason. Both are completely heartbroken, and has no idea how to keep living their lives when they can't be together.





	Miserably in love

It was a saturday afternoon in november, and the rain was pouring outside, so naturally, the common room was packed. Everywhere you looked you could find different groups of people studying, practicing spells, and playing different wizarding games. Among them was James and Peter, sitting in a sofa and playing exploding snaps. 

There was only one person in the common room not busy with something. 

On the floor in front of the fire, staring into it with eyes empty of emotion, was Sirius. He watched the flames flicker before him, but he didn’t really take in the image before him, or any of the sounds bouncing off the walls. The fire presented itself to him as nothing but a blob of different oranges, and the sounds entered his ears as a kind of distant incomprehensible murmur. 

Sirius felt a hand on his shoulder, and he tore his eyes away from the fire to look up at the person. 

“Hey, Pads, are you alright?” asked James, clearly a bit worried. 

Sirius nodded slightly before turning his head back towards the fire. 

“Well, we’re going down to dinner now if you wanna join.” James waited for a little too long before leaving Sirius, hoping that his friend would get up and come with them, but that didn’t happen. 

When James and Peter came back from dinner, they found Sirius in the exact same position they left him in. Considering that he had been like this pretty much the whole week, James was really quite worried at this point, but he had no idea what was wrong, and every time he had made an effort to talk to his friend, it had been completely useless. Sirius didn’t seem to hear a word James said. 

Upstairs, in the 7th year boys dormitory, was Remus. He was lying in his bed, intensely staring at the pages of a book, but it wasn’t the same kind of intensity he usually had when reading. It was a sort of desperate intensity. He read the words aloud to himself over and over again while pressing his hands harshly on either side of his head, trying to forget. Forget the image of all happiness being wiped away from Sirius’ face in mere seconds. Forget that he could almost see Sirius’ heart breaking apart right in front of him. Forget the way he turned his back to the man he loved and walked away without any sign of regret. But no matter how hard he tried, the memories kept coming back to him, and it was excruciating. 

Tears fell down onto the pages of the book, and Remus fell apart. He pushed the book off the bed, and crumpled up into a sobbing mess, eventually falling asleep. 

***

James waited for everyone to go to bed before making another attempt to talk to Sirius. 

“Padfoot?” he asked, tentatively. When he got no answer, he sat down beside Sirius, and tried again. “Sirius? Sirius, stop trying to deny it, I know something is wrong. Talk to me.” 

“I’m fine,” Sirius answered. His voice was raspy from not using it all day. 

“Oh, come on!” James exclaimed, a little annoyed. “You’ve barely said anything all week, and you haven’t eaten properly, and you’ve been completely off in your thoughts all the time! You can’t tell me you’re fine ‘cause I  _ know  _ that you’re not.”

Sirius didn’t answer, but James thought he saw something shift in his eyes. 

“Look, I know I’m no expert, but I do know that... this-” he gestured to vaguely to Sirius. “is  _ not _ fine. Remus has been the same way, keeping to himself, barely speaking to anyone, not quite here. Clearly something has happened between you two. C’mon just talk to me, maybe there’s something I can do!” James sounded a bit desperate towards the end, and he was too. Watching two of his best friends being clearly miserable for a whole week without knowing how to help was quite hard. At last, he gave up. “You can at least acknowledge that you’re not fine,” he said before standing up and beginning to make his way to the dormitories. 

“Fine!” Sirius shouted, standing up. James hurled around, startled. “I am not fine! But there’s nothing you can do about it, so back the fuck off!” James stood still, completely astounded, as Sirius climbed out of the portrait hole, leaving James alone. 

Sirius walked without knowing where his feet were taking him. All he wanted was to get away. He wanted nothing more than to just disappear, because he couldn’t stand being with Remus without  _ being with Remus. _ He supposed it couldn’t hurt letting people in, but that would mean having to explain about their relationship in the first place, and that was just too much. 

His thoughts had taken him away, and he hadn’t even realized that his feet had lead him outside the castle until he found himself standing by the very tree that he and Remus had shared their first kiss under. Standing there in the cold air, he could remember the moment as if it was yesterday. 

***

_ It had been on a cold day in the beginning of last term. Remus had been home for Christmas, and Sirius, James, and Peter were outside having a snowball fight when Remus arrived back at school. To announce his arrival, Remus threw a perfectly pressed snowball right into Sirius’ face, and then hid, making Sirius think that Peter threw it. While Sirius was distracted with attacking Peter, Remus snuck up behind him, and tackled him to the ground. Straddling him, he filled his hands with snow and pressed it into Sirius’ face before he could realize who it was.  _

_ “Ouch! Who is this? James, Peter, help I’m being attacked!” he screamed, very dramatically.  _

_ Remus removed his hands, and looked down at him, smiling smugly.  _

_ “Hey, it’s Moony!” said Sirius when he saw the smiling face. If it had been anyone else, he would’ve pushed them off of him right then and there, and tackled them down instead, but somehow he didn’t want to this time. Everything just seemed so right in that moment. Remus’ eyes sparkled down at him, and Sirius couldn’t help but smile when he looked into them. He got completely lost in those amber eyes.  _

_ The perfect moment got interrupted, however, by James and Peter peppering them both with snowballs, and they resumed their fight.  _

_ After a while, James and Peter had to go finish a potions assignment they had postponed during the whole break, and Sirius and Remus were left alone.  _

_ Sirius couldn’t quite remember what lead them there, but somehow they ended up sitting under the tree, telling each other about their Christmas breaks. He was just telling Remus about the totally awesome prank they pulled on Snape, when he got interrupted by Remus pressing his lips against Sirius’. When he pulled away, Sirius was completely stunned. He couldn’t wrap his mind around what had just happened. Remus Lupin had just kissed him. The boy he had had feelings for for years had just kissed him.  _

_ “Fuck,” said Remus when he saw the look on Sirius’ face. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make things weird, I just… You were so engaged talking about that prank and your eyes were glowing in a way that is just so goddamn magical and just the way you talk is so wonderful and - Fuck. - You’re just so damn beautiful and I couldn’t help myself. I’m sorry, Sirius, let’s just forget about this and go back to nor-mmh”  _

_ Before he could finish, Sirius caught Remus’ lips in his own, kissing him furiously. He had wanted to do that for so long, but had never ever in his wildest dreams imagined that the feeling would be mutual.  _

_ When their lips touched, it was as if something ignited inside of them both. Something that had always been there, but never before been awake. It was absolutely beautiful. Their lips moved in unison, as if they had waited all their lives for this very moment, and now that that moment was there, they had nothing to lose.  _

Remembering that brought tears to Sirius’ eyes, and he turned around, walking back to the castle, trying his best not to cry. 

***

Remus woke up long before the sun rose that morning. He had been sleeping very badly ever since he broke up with Sirius, so he made no effort to fall back asleep. Instead he laid awake, thinking about Sirius. He tried to think about other things, but that had proved to be impossible. His brain found ways to turn every thought into something to do with Sirius, so eventually he just let the thoughts come. 

He thought about Sirius sending him notes in class, telling him how much he loved him.

He thought about Sirius sneaking glances at him when the full moon was approaching, to make sure he was alright. 

He thought about Sirius taking care of him after the full moon. 

He thought about Sirius smiling affectionately at him with glinting eyes whenever he did something that according to him, ‘only Remus could make cute’. 

He thought about Sirius and him sneaking away to the prefects’ bathroom between classes to make out. 

He thought about Sirius kissing him passionately, making every part of his body fill up with bliss. 

He thought about Sirius being so wonderful when making love, always making sure that Remus was okay. 

And then he thought about the fact that he was never going to experience any of that again. 

The image of all happiness draining out of Sirius’ face appeared again, and an involuntary audible sob escaped Remus’ lips. That’s when he heard someone tear away their covers and angrily sitting up in their bed. 

“You’re the one who left me. You’re the one who crushed my heart and then just walked away without the slightest explanation. You don’t get to be sad,” Sirius hissed over his shoulder before leaving the dormitory. 

***

Sirius went straight down to breakfast, hoping to eat before everyone else. Within five minutes, however, he got company. 

The second he saw the tall, scarred, amber-eyed boy sitting down opposite to him, he took his sandwich in one hand, and the pumpkin juice in the other, before standing up to leave. But Remus stopped him by closing his hand around his wrist. 

Just the feeling of Remus’ skin against his own almost made Sirius shudder, because he had missed the touch of his slender fingers so much, but he quickly stopped himself from giving in to the touch. 

“Let go of me,” he hissed between clenched jaws. 

“Sirius, please,” Remus pleaded. “Just listen to me”

Sirius took a deep breath before tearing himself out of Remus’ grip and turning around. 

“No. Unless you plan on giving me an explanation to why you du-” he stopped himself before he said too much, even if there weren’t that many people there. “Unless you have an explanation, I don’t want to hear anything you have to say.” With that, he stormed out of the great hall, brushing past James and Peter on the way out. 

Back in the common room, he settled himself in front of the fire yet again, but it didn’t numb him like it had the day before. The flames only aggravated him, and when he heard Remus coming in through the portrait hole about half an hour after him, he had to restrain himself from getting up and punching him in the face. 

He was just so angry. One day, everything was fine, and the next, Remus was breaking up with him without the slightest explanation. And now he’s acting as if he was the one suffering. 

“Hey, Sirius, you wanna play exploding snaps with us?” asked Peter, like he always did, even though both he and James knew it was hopeless, but they got surprised this time. 

“Yeah, ok,” said Sirius, not wanting to let his anger get more out of control. So they played, though Sirius’ mind was not quite in it, but at least he did something. 

After one game, James said he needed to do homework, and Sirius was just about to resume staring at the fire when James asked: 

“Hey, Pads, could you go up and get my books?”

“Do it yourself,” said Sirius, a bit annoyed. After what James saw in the great hall that morning, he really should know better than to send Sirius up into the room where Remus was. 

“Oh, don’t worry, Moony isn’t there. He’s out patrolling, prefect duty, y’know. Besides, you need the exercise to make up for all the time you’ve spent staring at that fire.” 

Sirius sighed, and even though he would much rather just sit down and continue staring at the fire, he started climbing the stairs up to their dormitory. Without really thinking that much, he made his way over to James’ stuff and started digging for his books. Then he heard a creak behind him, the one Moony’s bed made when you moved in it, and he spun around on the spot. 

“Fuck,” he cursed under his breath, realizing that James had been wrong - or lied, but why would he do that? - because Remus was in fact there. Just as he was about to make a run for it, the door slammed shut and locked itself. Sirius tried everything to get out, but he had left his wand in the common room, so it was hopeless. 

“James what are you doing?” Sirius shouted while banging desperately at the door. “Open the door!” 

“They’re not gonna let us out”

“Oh, and how would you know that?” asked Sirius incredulously. 

“Because they want us to make up,” answered Remus, a little nervously. 

Sirius just stared at him for a while, not quite understanding what he was saying. “What?”

“After what they heard at breakfast, they wouldn’t let me leave until I told them what was going on…” Remus started, avoiding eye contact with Sirius. “I didn’t tell them at first because I know you wanted to be the one to tell them, especially James, about us, but eventually I did tell them. I told them everything. Well… Not  _ everything _ , but you get my point.” Remus lost track for a bit, and carefully glanced up at Sirius, who was standing with his arms crossed and a firm expression, but he seemed to be listening, so Remus continued. “Anyway, they uhm… They understood why I did what I did, and they thought you should get a chance to understand as well…”

“So they locked us up until we work things out?” 

“Well… yes.”

Sirius sighed deeply and sat down on his bed, resting his head in his hands and his elbows on his knees. 

“Wait, how could they  _ understand _ why you dumped me and walked away with no explanation?” he asked, head snapping up. 

“Because there is an explanation, it’s just…” Remus choked on his own tears, and the broken pieces of Sirius’ heart was aching to go over there and comfort him. “It’s complicated.”

“Oh, okay. It’s complicated,” said Sirius. “That explains  _ everything _ and makes everything  _ totally fine. _ It’s almost as if you never made me believe you loved me only to fucking crush my heart.”

“But  _ I do  _ love you, Sirius,” Remus pleaded. 

“If you love me you wouldn’t have left me!” Sirius shouted, holding back the tears that were begging to fall. “Then you wouldn’t have hurt me the way you did, because it fucking hurt, Moony! It hurt so fucking bad. You know why? Because  _ I love you _ . I love you so goddamn much.” At this point Sirius couldn’t hold the tears in any longer, but he also didn’t care anymore. He let them fall. “I love you so much, more than I ever thought was possible… If you really loved me, then why the fuck did you do this to me?!” 

“Because they were gonna kill me!” Remus screamed.  

Sirius’ faint sobs silenced. “What?” he asked, meeting Remus’ eyes fully. 

“They were gonna kill me,” whispered Remus, almost panically. 

“Who?”

“They, the… the death eaters… They.. They came to me and said that I was disgusting for being a werewolf. Somehow they knew about us, and they uhm… They said that I had no right being with humans and that if I didn’t break up with you they’d kill me to make sure that no human had to ever be with me… I… I’m so sorry, Sirius. I never wanted to hurt you… I just… I couldn’t stay with you if it meant I was gonna get killed. The thought of you losing me because I stayed with you, knowing that you would lose me, it almost killed me. I thought it would be easier this way, I’m sorry.”

“But… you- you could’ve told me.”

“No, I couldn’t,” said Remus. “Then they would’ve killed you.”

Sirius stayed silent, watching Remus sobbing, and thinking over everything he said, occasionally hearing Remus’ panicked whispers “They would’ve killed me.”

Remus only stopped his sobbing when Sirius knelt down before him, and lifted his chin so that his puffy, red face was right in front of Sirius’. They looked each other in the eyes, and then Sirius closed the gap between them, catching Remus’ lips in a deeply emotional kiss. The way Sirius kissed him made Remus’ whole body tingle, because  _ merlin _ he had missed this, and when he kissed him back, Sirius could feel the broken pieces of his heart being put back together. After what could have been anything from a few seconds to multiple days, they broke apart. 

“I would never let anything bad happen to you, Moony,” said Sirius, looking deeply into Remus’ swollen, amber eyes. 

“Will you ever be able to forgive me?” 

Sirius kissed him again before answering. “I already have.”

This time it was Remus that caught Sirius’ lips in a deep, searing hot kiss that caused both of their bodies to flood with passion. Sirius broke the kiss only to stand up and push Remus back on the bed, before laying on top of him and reconnecting their lips. Remus ran his hand down Sirius’ back, making him moan, and Remus then took the chance to slip his tongue into Sirius’ mouth. Sirius started grinding his hips on Remus, but soon got stopped by Remus flipping them both over so that he was on top. 

“Oh, fuck, I love you,” Sirius said as Remus kissed and sucked his way down his neck, leaving dark purple bruises along the way. 

*** 

At the top of the stairs, with their ears pressed against the door, were James and Peter. They smirked a bit at each other when they heard that both the yelling and sobbing had stopped, but not long after that, they heard a distinct moan, and their facial expressions quickly changed into ones looking quite mortified. Then they heard a loud groan, followed by many more. The two of them looked absolutely horrified at the thought of what they were doing in there, so without a second thought they ran down the stairs and did their best not to imagine anything… 


End file.
